Just Live

This post has been a long time coming, and way overdue. 2012 was an absolute doozy for me. I have been stretched and spread so thin that I've rarely had time for myself and even the little time I've had, I've spent reflecting on how I could be better in every aspect of my life.

I was horrible at writing in my journal this year. I have a special "Mom's One Line A Day" Book that I started out writing in daily for about 7 months, and then it was down to once a week. Then once a month. And somehow December 31st came and so many lines were left blank. This pretty much sums up my year. I feel empty. I feel unfulfilled. I tried listing all my blessings and things I am grateful for. After all, that was my biggest goal, being more grateful and gracious. BIGGEST FAIL EVER.

This year was hard. Just plain hard. I had/have so much to be grateful for, it's true. I don't discount my blessings, it's just that this year (and the past one, as well) brought me so many trials that it was extremely difficult to enjoy my blessings.

As I reflect on this past year and think about the new year already upon us, I've decided that this year I will have no goals. My mantra is JUST LIVE. Don't think too much. Don't over analyze. Don't expect too much. Don't expect anything. Just be present, and live.

I have also decided that this post will be my last. Possibly not forever, just for a while. Blogs, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest have got me down! It's my own fault, really. I do it to myself. I can't help but beat myself up over how imperfect I am and how I just don't measure up. I fall short in so many areas and I don't have the self-restraint to control how often I look at Blogs, Facebook and Instagram, Pinterest etc. I have become obsessed with my short-comings. I see how seemingly perfect everyone else's lives are, and I judge myself. Hard. So it's time to say goodbye to the cyber-world I have been sucked into, and focus my energy and time into the real world. Unfortunately this means losing tabs on friends in far away places. (Notice how I say "tabs" and not touch. Because let's face it, how often do I actually have meaningful, relationship-building conversations with all my friends on Facebook? I don't. I mostly spy. Watching from my computer's window into everyone's lives. Not connecting. Just watching. It's wierd, it's been creeping me out, and I can't do it anymore.) I will be deleting this blog, Facebook and my Instagram accounts. I have been contemplating this action for about a year. I tried to demonstrate self-control and limit my Facebook time, etc but I haven't been able to keep any commitments. I am too hard on myself and it's time I stop comparing my life to all ya'lls.

Lately I've been thinking so much about the persona we portray to the internet world, and how often it clashes with real life. I want to sincerely apologize to everyone and anyone who has felt judged by me, and especially if I have ever given the facade that I am perfect. I am not. There's something to be said about people who are just trying to be positive. I applaud that. I commend you. I know how hard it can be to remain positive when life gets hard. No one likes a negative nancy, either. It's a fine line between being positive and admiting that life is tough, and just masking everything with a perfect smile, a perfect life. Happy, smiling children who go to bed on time and don't complain.... husbands who give flowers, massages, love notes on a daily basis, plenty of money to go on vacations and purchase whatever they please.... these images are plastered all over the internet and somehow I am unable to decipher what is real, and what is a glorified snapshot of reality. So I compare. And I fall short.

I need raw. I need genuine. I need real.

My life is raw. It is sometimes ugly. Yes it is sometimes wonderful. But I need to take it all in, the good with the bad. But sometimes real life just isn't noteworthy. No one "likes" a status or comment on Facebook of "I had an okay day." (*Where's the thumbs sideways button?*) Not bad, not good. Just okay? No one cares. People generally want to see "My day was the best!" or "My day sucked." Have you also noticed this trend? I have opened myself up to criticism way too much and it's time I stopped. I've gone back and forth so many times about deleting all these accounts and I think I can finally make this decision with somewhat neutrality and not out of anger. Disappointment, yes. But not anger.

So. Before I say goodbye, I need to come out about a few things, to show you the real me. The raw me. The sometimes ugly me. To let you know that you don't need to put me on a pedestal, be jealous of me, or compare yourself to me. Feel good about yourself.

Here it goes.

Sometimes being a mom is hard. It has small moments of rewards and joy. I have had a very hard time accepting my identity as a mother.

I absolutely hate being a working mom. I don't care that I have an excuse to get dressed up and have some place to go. The most important thing I have to take care of is the person I leave when I go to work; Phineas. And it crushes me.

I don't ever get enough sleep. Phineas goes to bed around 11 or midnight EVERY NIGHT. It's almost like in the evenings he takes a trip down the "colic memory lane" and has a very rough time settling down.

Yes. I've tried everything. (Well, almost. Read below).

NO. I do not intend to, nor will I ever let him cry it out. I am not a martyr. I just simply can't do it. Does that mean I don't have the right to complain about sleep deprivation? I hope not. Because I am still tired. I accept the consequences of every choice I make. I understand that not allowing Phineas to cry it out means sleepless nights for me. I accept it. But it doesn't make it any easier. And sometimes, I just want to vent.

I am a crunchy, granola freak. (Yeah, I do eat granola) but what I'm talking about is the natural tree-hugger stuff. I eat herbs and use oils. Those are my first go-to's before I take Phin or myself to the doctor. Also, I had my baby at home. (EWWWWW.... but not really). God willing, I plan to have all my babies at home.

We bedshare with Phineas. I don't care if he sleeps in my bed until he is 5. He is welcome. We love it. He has a place there, and it works for us. All our future babies (if we have more) are welcome to sleep in our bed if they want to.

I use cloth diapers. And it is sometimes really gross. Like swishing poop in toilet, scrape off with a plastic knife, spray with a mini toilet-sprayer, bad ammonia smelling diapers gross. But it saves us money and I'm not contributing to mountains of diapers that take around 20 years to decompose in a landfill. (Yep. Look it up), and it saves us money. Phineas also doesn't get diaper rash. His little bum loves the soft cloth.

I am still breastfeeding. *GASP!!* My baby is 14 months! I plan on continuing for as long as it works for us. Who knows when that will be. I know it really sickens people and makes them uncomfortable when a woman breastfeeds a toddler who can "ask for it." I won't apologize for making people feel uncomfortable. I can try my best to be discreet but when it comes right down to it, if my baby needs to be comforted and nursed, then his needs will always come first. Always.

Phineas has had only two or three sweet treats. This includes a few tastes of ice cream, a cupcake on his birthday (SMALL, and with no frosting) and an accidental taste of his Great-Great Uncle's milkshake (he didn't know we don't give Phineas sugary treats.) Phineas has never had juice, and he even thinks water is a treat! I know I can't keep this up forever, but I can prolong his desire for treats. The longer I keep him from sweets, the better chance he will have at developing a good pallete for healthy foods and not a sweet tooth (like Travis and me.) We have the WORST sweet tooths in the world, and I don't want Phineas to end up like that!

Sometimes I go about 4 days without showering. Then I blame Phineas for smelling disgusting when I realize that it's actually me. I have put others' before myself for so long that I actually forget to take care of myself. And this ISN'T a good thing! I need balance. I am horrible at saying what I need, and when I do... it's long overdue and I have a breakdown. I CRAVE stability, balance and consistency. Yet I am the most chaotic, unreliable, flaky and lazy person in the world! Balance. I'm trying.

So there you have it. My life isn't exactly a bed of roses, is it? Well it isn't a bed of nails, either.

I am so blessed to have a husband and little boy that I absolutely adore. And Phineas is addicted to me. It is very hard but I love that he loves me so much. As long as I continue to meet his needs in his little developing mind and body then those needs will be met and go away. But a need that is ignored might go away for a short time and resurface later.

I am so very grateful for my home. A home where I feel safe, secure and comfortable. As hard as it is to be a working mom, I AM grateful for my job, and my skill-set. I am grateful for my husband's job, and his dedication to providing for our family. I am so lucky to have my mom across the street and to have her help me out as much as she does. Sometimes I feel like she raises Phin just as much as I do. But I have to do the hard stuff like discipline and nighttime parenting. She gets all the fun! :)

I am grateful to be alive. To breathe, to walk, move around and have a body that can endure hardships and can run on such little sleep. Even though I still feel unfilled and empty at times, Heavenly Father always provides respite when I absolutely cannot go on anymore. I am grateful to Him for that.

So as I close this blog and chapter of my life, I look forward with no expectations to fall short of. No goals to not complete. No crazy aspirations that I will inevitably fail. Just live. Just be me and focus on what's most important: disconnecting with the cyber world and reconnecting with the real world. I unplug and tune-in to real life. 

Wishing you an "okay" 2013 filled with normal days, and un-noteworthy events. :)

Signing off and bidding you all a dear farewell.

Love, Kat