I gave up.

I am a short hair person. Love my hair short, always have. I was attempting to grow it out, along with my sister who is serving a mission right now. I have been craving a short cut for a while now, so I asked her permission. I sent her an email Sunday night. Monday morning I got an email from her. This was her reply:

"CUT IT. You are not happy with long hair, cut it. You need it sister. You really do. You haven't been feeling well, and you need a cut. PLUS, you rock a short cut. :)"

So, I did. TODAY. Here's what I looked like before:
(Notice, it's still short by comparison. This picture was taken back in November, so it had even grown out a bit since then.)


And here is what I look like NOW:




YES, I love it. YES, I am keeping it short. YES, I feel liberated!!!!!!!!! I am BACK!!! I was gone for about a year, but I'm back now, and ready to party. (Still don't feel 100%, but this haircut totally helped in the healing process. It was so therapeutic. (sp?) I can't wait til summer rolls around. I'm goin PLATINUM, baby!!! WAHOO!!!!!!!

slow going?

Do you remember the movie The Princess Bride? Of course you do, everyone knows that movie, and can quote it all day long. I know I can.

I remember the first time I heard that phrase, "slow going?" It was from the movie, when the man in black (dear sweet Wesley) is climbing up the cliffs of insanity, and Inigo Montoya says, "Hello there! Slow going?" The man in black answers, "Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this isn't as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me." (I told you I could quote this movie!!)

You know the rest from this point, right? Inigo gets really impatient and decides to throw him the rope, so the man in black can get up there faster and they can get to the fighting. Remember the man in black's hesitancy when Inigo promises not to harm him until he reaches the top safely? Remember how he had to trust Inigo? The man in black reaches the top safely, and Inigo gives him the chance to rest before the fight and he says, "Wo, wo wo, wait until you are ready." They even have a nice little conversation, and Inigo says, "So, you are ready then?... You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you."

Then, the duel! The man in black wins of course, and runs to save Princess Buttercup.

I feel like the man in black right now. I attempted the huge feat of graduating school, (may have been much easier for you, but school never came easy for me)... and I was climbing the "cliffs of insanity." Truly, I was driving myself insane.

Then I got sick. Someone cut off my rope. I was making good headway, and even though it was very hard to climb that rope by myself and literally pull own weight, I was making progress.

When my rope was cut, I held onto those rocks for dear life. Everyone wants me to get up, and climb those rocks, so I can begin the challenge that awaits me at the top. The fight of trying to see if my teachers will work with me, or if I have to withdraw from school, the fight of medical bills, and seeing how much insurance will take care of all this...etc etc.

I will inevitably reach the top. Someone (God) will throw me a rope, and I'll reach the top. Just please give me the same courtesy that Inigo did for the man in black. Let me rest before I begin the fight. I'll try not to let anyone down. I'm slow going, and I need the rest. I AM improving, sometimes it feels like 2 steps forward 1 step back, but I'll make it, and fight the good fights I need to survive. :)

c-diff

I don't know where to start.

First, I just want to say that if you are the judging type, I beg you to stop reading here. My experience is quite unusual, and I don't want anyone discounting my condition. It is quite severe. I'll give you my doctor's number, and you can talk to him yourself.

Let me paint you a picture.

I am sitting here in my bed, where I have resided for the past several weeks. Let me tell you how it all started. (This is a VERY long story, and I don't spare details.)

It all started with a bad tooth. On July 7th, 2008 I needed an emergency root canal. I got it taken care of, and the next day I was off to girls camp for 4 days. (I was the girls camp director at that time.)

I never got a crown.

That tooth continued to bother me for quite a while, but I ignored it because I didn't want to have the hassle of going back and paying a billion dollars. I needed a crown, but we didn't have the money.

A year and a half later (December 2009) I finally went to a different dentist to get the crown. (My other dentist moved out of state). They couldn't get me numb. After 7 (yes, count them, 7) shots, they decided to drill directly into my jaw bone to get me numb so they could work on the tooth. Come to find out, the root canal had not been completed. My dentist had to re-do it.

A week later, I had an infection in my mouth where they had drilled into my jaw bone. My doctor gave me amoxicillin, and after 9 days, it was gone.

2 weeks after that (we are in January 2010 now) I got a very bad case of sinus infection and bronchitis. I waited a few days before going to the doctor (I didn't have time, and I thought I could kick it myself) but I finally gave in. They said I had some symptoms of H1N1, but because I didn't have a fever, they ruled H1N1 out pretty quickly. I was prescribed Omnicef, Codeine, an inhaler, and advised to take Mucinex. (This was on a Monday)After 3 days of feeling VERY ill, staying home ALL day, sleeping as much as I could, I started feeling a little bit better.... Until the weekend.

Saturday I wasn't feeling like myself, so I canceled my shift at work. Sunday I went to church, but was still feeling really really sick, and it was a different kind of sick. Not Bronchitis sick. I thought maybe I needed rest. So I took a nap, and rested Sunday night.

Monday morning I wasn't feeling all that great, but I started getting ready for work anyway. Then it hit me. It literally hit me. I was brought to my knees in pain, and hurried to the bathroom. I call it the civil war "flu." The north battling the south. (do you get it?) I stayed there for the entire morning. I thought it was something I ate. I told my boss and my teachers that I wouldn't be in to school that day. I went to the doctor and he gave me some anti-nausea medication and sent me on my way.

I didn't get better.

Tuesday I had to go to an Urgent care and get an I.V. because I had NO fluids in my body left. I emptied the bag in 30 minutes. (It usually takes hours). They sent me on my way home and told me I'd feel better.

And I did. For 6 hours. Then I couldn't keep fluids in me.

Wednesday night I went to the ER. They did several tests on me, including bloodwork, stool samples, and a CT scan, and informed me that I may have something called c-diff. (What the heck is THAT?!) They basically said it's a type of parasite that eats at my insides, and kills all the bad AND good bacteria in my stomache/intestines. My body was eating itself to death. They said that sometimes people naturally carry the disease in their system, but it is unlocked by taking too general of antibiotics over a long period of time. (Remember the toothache and bronchitis? It's all starting to come together now.)

The doctors said that it takes a long time to get out of the system, and the ironic part is that you have to take an antibiotic to get rid of it. (yes, by this time I was hysterical).

My doctor told me that he had a patient some time ago that had this exact thing, and unfortunately, she passed away because they didn't catch it in time. (WHAT?!) Many people think it's food poisoning or the stomach flu, because the symptoms are almost exactly the same. The only way to tell was by doing a stool sample and other tests, and evaluating if you had recently taken multiple antibiotics. Oh and I have it. BAD.

Thursday morning, I was not feeling ANY better after 2 bags of I.V's, forcing fluids, and trying to rest. So, my doctor decided it would be best to admit me to the hospital. Yes. Admitted. My brother and my mom had to drive me there literally kicking and screaming. I did NOT want to be there. I am a workaholic, and I thrive off of working, going to school and being successful. I didn't have time to be in the hospital. The nurses tried to undress me and put me in a hospital gown, and I was literally swatting at them, crying and screaming for them to go away. I was fighting with any strength I had left. They gave me an IV with fluids, phenergan and morphine within the first 30 minutes. Then I finally felt a little better. (a little.) The nurses kept saying they were glad I came, because c-diff is serious and blah blah blah. But I was having none of it. I wanted to go home.

They kept me overnight. Trav insisted on staying the night with me and sleeping in the chair next to my bed. He didn't get much sleep, and neither did I. I was woken every hour for many different reasons. If you were to see my arms, you would think I was a heroine addict. :(

I was there for 3 days, 2 nights. Saturday afternoon they discharged me. I seemed to be getting better. As soon as I got home, I took a shower. Then a major headache.

Migraine.

I've only had 3 in my whole life, and this time was bad. So bad that I threw up.

GREAT.

So now I am here. Yesterday was a hard day, and so is today. I am trying to be patient and realize that I can't push myself. I just keep thinking about the work and school I am missing, the money I am losing, and the dollars that are racking up because of medical bills. It's hard to be positive throughout this whole thing. Some hours I feel good, and some hours I feel like I am going to die.

I have to take it hour by hour and sometimes minute by minute. Travis and my mom have been wonderful throughout this whole thing. My mom has practically been living with us, taking care of me and Pepper, and making sure I get my meds on time.

I can't remember the last time I had a REAL meal. I've been on a strict liquid diet, advanced to soft foods, then back to liquids only.

I want to be at work and school. I have no idea how long this will take to completely go away, or when I will be back to normal. I have had countless blessings, and I am always told I will be made whole, so I know I'll get better, I just don't know when.

This has been a very hard time in my life. The lessons I am learning I will never forget. I am learning to have compassion and to be patient and realize that everything is on God's timetable, not my own. When I feel good, I am on my knees, grateful for the time. When I feel bad, I am on my knees, begging to feel better.

I truly know what it's like to plead with the Lord, and to feast on the scriptures. (Hey, it's the only thing I can intake right now).

This has been so painful, and literally nauseating. I don't look good, and I don't feel good. Surprisingly I have managed to keep my weight. (I don't have much to lose, so that's a good thing). I take baby sips of whatever I can, and I take it a day at a time.

I would never wish this sickness upon anyone, even my worst enemy. It has been awful. Worrying about school and work doesn't help, either. I can't tell you how many tears I've cried, (which isn't good because I need the fluids), how many prayers I've said, and pleadings to be fully healed.

I guess I have to thank my Heavenly Father for the knowledge that I DO KNOW, and BELIEVE that I will be well again. People who have cancer, or aids, or some other long term illness aren't as fortunate as I. You know that saying, "There's always someone worse off than you?" Believe it. It's true. Life is truly a GIFT. Life is PRECIOUS.

Please don't worry about me. I don't post this for sympathy, empathy or concern. I just think this story needs to be told. If anyone you know has these same types of symptoms, please look it up. Doctors said that it is becoming more and more common. So I tell this story for myself, or maybe for some people who have been taking life (and the monotony of daily living) for granted. I know I have. I am way guilty of that.

I know I'm not being punished, but I know that Heavenly Father wants me to learn something right now. I am praying to find out what that is. I've learned many little things along the way (a post for a different day and time). This has been a literally life-changing experience for me, and right now... I am just happy to be alive.