ripped to shreds

My dogs ripped up one of my journals today. It may seem really stupid of me, but I think I cried for 2 hours straight, went back to work, and then came home and cried for another hour.

It's really interesting the journal they seemed to "pick" to completely destroy. I had all my journals in a box down in the basement. I thought I had put them high enough for the little devils to not sink their teeth into. Apparently, I was wrong. When I went to let them outside earlier this afternoon, I noticed a bunch of papers strewn about on the basement floor. When I noticed that it was one of my journals, I SCREAMED bloody murder and dismissed the dogs to go outside. I didn't touch the dogs or hit them or even yell at them. I was so hurt I couldn't even look at them. I know they are innocent and really don't know any better. I mean how could they tell the difference between the hymnbook that was sitting right next to it or my journal? Who knows why they chose my journal to destroy?

As I knelt down on my hands and knees collecting the little bits that was left of my journal and noticing my handwriting on the pages, I cried uncontrollably. It felt too symbolic. It felt as though part of my life (several years were covered in that journal in GREAT detail) was torn to shreds and here I was trying to put it back together. This specific journal was not just any old journal, it was the time in my life where I struggled the most. It also included how I met Travis and when we got married. At some point I just had to stop. I went upstairs and just shut the basement door. It hurt too much to even look at the damage.

I know what you're all thinking: It's just a journal. Get over it. But for some reason, I am having a really hard time letting go. My journal is SO personal. I write things in there that no one has ever known or will ever know until I am dead. I use my journals to see how I've grown, and how I have overcome certain trials and I tell my success stories as well as my struggles. I can't help but feel like all of that was worthless now.

I know I should just leave the past in the past where it "belongs" and move on. But my past experiences have greatly shaped who I am today. You all know I have been really struggling with my self-esteem lately and today it took another huge hit. I feel like I've regressed, become worse and only more unbearable to live with.

That journal was really important to me. I had many keepsakes within those pages; special, sacred memories.

I can't help but feel like I am standing on the edge of a raging river. I have built dams over the years to slow down that river and make it more tolerable and hopefully easier to cross one day. But seeing my personal life strewn across my basement floor... the lowest place in our house... made the dams in the river break, and it is raging stronger than ever now. All the memories came back flooding into me within seconds and I felt sick to my stomach with guilt, sadness and despair.

You may think I am being overly dramatic right now and that's okay if you don't understand what this feels like. I have always been diligent in keeping a journal and I have over ten journals, so this had great sentimental value to me and years of work and time spent writing in the journal took only seconds to destroy. The dogs ripped up one, and chewed on 3 others - although the pages of those are unscathed....fortunately.

Can I get mad at my dogs? No. It's completely my fault. I am responsible for not putting my journals in a safer place where this couldn't happen. It's my fault that I let the little terrorists run rampant in my basement with no restrictions. I have only myself to blame. It's my fault that I let my dogs rip up part of my life and literally drag it through their own pee. But it still hurts. Bad.

Happy Valley

We live in a place nicknamed "Happy Valley" and we actually love it. I'm not quite sure why the area got its nickname. (Drug abuse, perhaps? I know Utah County is pretty dang high.) Either way... we are happy here - despite my hesitations and protestations to live here at first.

I just googled Happy Valley, and the first thing that came up was a town called Happy Valley, Oregon. The next link was a website called happyvalley.com for attractions and services around Penn State. The third, Happy Valley, HONG KONG. Yep.... there's a little suburb called Happy Valley in HK and interestingly enough, Travis and I are looking to relocate to Hong Kong eventually. (No joke, we've kept an eye out for jobs in Hong Kong for several months now. I even started looking for jobs out there the DAY we got back from our vacation in HK last year). Don't be surprised if we just up and leave one day.

5th down the line was our own little Utah Valley, nicknamed "Happy Valley."

Glad to be here. I really do love it, even though it can be annoying living in a college town sometimes. Summers are great though, when they all leave.

I don't want to stay in Happy Valley forever, or even in Utah forever. I would love to live in Hong Kong, or California or anywhere that has a coast. (The middle states really kill me).

In 26 days....

This Girl.

Yes I felt this picture was appropriate given that my sister has seen lots of Harry Potter sites in England AND that the movie came out this weekend.

Me.

Reunited.

Here. (In London).

I cannot WAIT to go. I've almost got my bags packed already.

the sexiest man alive

People recently named Ryan Reynolds as the sexiest man alive. Whether you agree or disagree is not in question. (If you don't believe me, click here)

Here's the real point: A billion people tell me that my husband looks just like Ryan Reynolds. (It's his celebrity look alike).

So naturally, since Travis looks like Ryan Reynolds...

I married the man that looks like the sexiest man alive.

I pretty much DID marry the sexiest man alive. :)

(Love the reasoning, don't chya?) Oh.... I love mushy-ness.

breast cancer ribbon

Before I decided to let my hair grow out, I had Travis do the breast cancer ribbon on the back of my head. Lots of people said they loved it... and many people didn't ask my WHY I shaved my head. They just saw the ribbon and it explained everything. This was a while ago, and my hair has grown out quite a bit! You can't really see the ribbon anymore. It was fun while it lasted though!

we torture them

I'm miss pepper, and I like to read. I'm learning from the dog whisperer how to be the pack leader.

We love learning how to be good doggies, that's why we read!
I'm literally feasting on the words of this book!
The hunger games books are my favorite!!
Dodgers, too!
I love my owner, Kat.
We like to lounge around in Trav's lap.

I am a good doggie.
So regal.

Pepper's expression below absolutely kills me. She's like, "are you serious? I'm so embarrassed."

mmm SPAM

Hey all.....

It seems that we have been victims of a little spameroni. I got several emails from people (friends and colleagues) with only a link in the body of the email... nothing else. If you receive these, don't open it, just delete them. I got one from a friend and I opened it and even clicked on the link because I didn't know why she would be sending me the info... now Travis and I seem to be sending out spam through our emails. We sincerely apologize. I don't really know what happened!

Not sure what to do about it, but it seems to be going around REALLY fast. I got 3 emails in 10 minutes from a co-worker and 2 people that used to be in my old ward. The emails are spilling in like crazy.

Just a word of caution.

thanks a lot, Kim

I'm obsessed with my cousin's kids!! They are adorable. They came to visit last month and I loved spending time with them! Just LOOK at how precious they are!!!!

Junie is like a little DOLL.




Then there's Jet. He's is the most fearless kid I've ever met and he LOVES people!!
He also get's excited about everything.

I've been thinking lots about these little kiddos lately. I'm pretty much obsessed with them. So to my cousin Kim, I say "Thanks, a lot. I can't get enough of them!!" Kim's amazing and talented husband couldn't come this time around and we sure missed him but we were lucky to have Kim and the kids come to visit. I wish we lived closer!

meet the new kid

We have another little pup. His name is Dodger and he's a chorkie. (Chihuahua and Yorkie mix). He is adorable and very different from Pepper. He is more calm and cuddly. We love him so much and Pepper is learning to like him.
He is smaller than Pepper. He weighs only 5 lbs whereas Pepper (little miss TANK) weighs 13.
We did not put this bandana on him, we swear! When we bought him, the seller left that on him. Dodger didn't like it. He warmed up to Travis instantly and then warmed up to me. He's a little cuddle muffin. He's darling.

I like to describe him in the following way: He's so ugly, he's CUTE. :) Wouldn't you agree?




we are so mean... sometimes we like to use them as decorations. :)

I guess I'm not the exception

For as long as I can remember I've always been satisfied with how I looked. (Well there was the few months in college when I had such bad acne it was tough to even look in the mirror). Ok fine maybe I should rephrase what I said: for as long as I can remember I've been mostly satisfied with how I looked. (better?)

I would pity the girls who had a tough time with their self image and I would just be secretly grateful that I was content with how I looked and I even considered myself to be pretty. Not gorgeous, but good-looking.

I had a hard time understanding why girls would loathe themselves when looking in the mirror or trying on clothes or comparing themselves to others.

Recently my perspective has completely changed. I have recently gained 20 lbs. Yes, 20. I know that may not seem like much, but for a person of my frame and height, I feel huge. My skin has stretch marks all over. (Nope... sorry people, I'm not pregnant.)

I have no idea what the reason is for the sudden increase in weight, but I can tell you this: I have never been more self conscious in my life. My clothes don't fit. I have some major pudge in my midsection, causing people to ask me if I am pregnant - (yep, 3 times now... by 3 different people. Boy were they embarrassed when I said "no way.") - and when I wear jeans, I have a serious muffin top.

My weight has fluctuated my entire life +/- 5lbs, depending on my menstrual cycle, but this is beyond just my normal fluctuation. I've started to view my body so differently, and looking at pictures of my "skinnier" days wishing I looked like that again.

Not only that, but not having hair is really starting to get to me. Ok ok it was fun at first and all the compliments I received seemed to make up for the fact that I feel hideous and I think I look like a boy. One time I went to the grocery store and they had cameras at the entrance that captured how you looked from behind, and a television screen mounted on the ceiling so you could see yourself. When I walked in, I looked to my left and right, searching for the boy that was wearing the same outfit of me. Then I realized.... it WAS me.

When I complain to others about how I look (yes, I have stooped that low) they almost always retort, "Oh my heavens well I would have never noticed." Or, "well you don't LOOK 20 lbs heavier..." etc. I appreciate the comments but they're just trying to make me feel better similar to all the comments I said to my friends when they were complaining about their weight.

Yeah, I've got some issues, right? I always thought I was "above" all the girls who complained about their looks. Now I've realized that I'm no better, the guilt is overwhelming. The guilt of how I've judged all those girls over the years and how I put myself above them. I could not have been more wrong, and I guess this is what I deserve for being such a snot. I am not a nice person.

I am really struggling with how I look and I hate this feeling. I miss the security of loving how I looked in my own skin and not caring about my body. Of course I wouldn't care about my body being a size zero, I had no reason to hate my looks. I'm not saying I have reason now to really HATE how I look, but I definitely don't like it.

The feelings of disdain I am experiencing about my body have really damaged my self esteem. I find myself thinking that I am the worst interpreter in the world, and that my house is hideous, that I am a horrible wife, and envying everything that everyone ELSE has. I think to myself that I'm not special, nor am I unique and that I'm good for nothing. I find myself crying at night wishing I was different, and wishing that my current circumstances in life would change. Who knew that a mere 20 lbs could bring on such horrible feelings?

I'm not implying that I know what it's like to really struggle with self esteem issues because some girls have struggled their entire lives and I've only struggled for 2 months. All I'm saying is that I hate these feelings of disdain and guilt. I'm not sure what to do.