treadmill

I started school again today, and while I was excited to start new classes, I also felt the weight of homework fall upon my shoulders again. There are reasons why I chose to do summer school... shorter classes, I can graduate earlier, usually a little easier... etc. However I am quickly regretting my decision to be in classes during the summer. I have recently been having feelings of extreme inadequacy in almost every area of my life, and I don't like it. What do I have to offer that no one else has?

I absolutely HATE running on treadmills. When I go to the gym I either have to run on the track (which still isn't the best) or bring my ipod while running on the treadmill, to distract me from what I am doing. I feel like I am running on a "life" treadmill right now. I am running so hard and so fast yet getting no where. I am barely making a dent in the number of credits I have left to graduate, I'm not progressing in my job either. I hate treadmills so much because I cannot track my progress and there is nothing in my environment enjoyable to look at, and I can't see how far I've come by spotting landmarks. All I have is numbers, numbers numbers. How many miles I've run, how many calories I've burned, and the speed at which I'm running. Numbers don't do anything for me. I don't feel joy from looking at numbers.

I do not feel qualified for the challenges that lay ahead of me in the future. I have been asked to do something in which I have a lot of knowledge, yet little experience. People have very high expectations for me right now, and some people love it, and those are the people who always rise to the occasion or exceed expectations. As for me, my skills are not up to par, and it scares me to death.

I also have been feeling like I don't know where I fit in, or where I belong. I have hopes and goals. While I do have high expectations for myself, I know that those dreams must be accomplished step by step, and in a certain order. I have no desire to skip steps, rush, or climb faster than I have strength. My fear is that I won't be able to accomplish all I have set out to do.

With my chosen profession, it is impossible to have one foot in, one foot out. Yes, I can be a mom and still interpret, because of the flexibility of deciding my own schedule. However with what I know and how involved I have been in my program and in the Deaf community, I cannot be half in half out. I will get a BA degree in Deaf Studies, and I also want to get a Master's and hopefully someday a PhD. How can I make all this possible and still have a family?

I beg you to show me an example of a successful career woman who has a family and does not neglect her husband and children. I beg you to show me how it's done, because I have yet to see a great model of how this is done. I refuse to sit by and do nothing for 25+ years while my children grow up and move on, until I can get back into the field. I cannot simply work a little here and there throughout the week. I feel I am meant for greatness in this world, and not to "make a difference." No, my intentions are not that pure. I want to leave a legacy, a mark.

Note that I do not degrade the calling of motherhood for anyone. I look forward to participating in the joys of motherhood someday. However if I am not meant to continue on in my profession and obtain higher degrees, do fieldwork and research, then what was all this for? Why did I take 2 years off from obtaining a BA degree to specialize in interpreting? Why did I lay the foundation for my career and why am I getting a degree anyway? Did I do all this work to just stay at home with cranky children and poopy diapers? Was I born for greatness, or simply born to breed?

Again, I emphasize that I am not judging people who stay at home with their children. It is respectable and I am sure their children will be very grateful someday. However for me and my chosen profession, I feel torn.

I know that having children is in the cards for me. I also know that I will enjoy being a mother, just not right now. The pressure I am receiving is ridiculous. People I don't even know try to tell me what to do, and that I should be having babies right now. I'm sick of their officious advice.

I have dreams, I have aspirations, I have some serious goals. I can't give that up right now. To all of you who read this post, please do not ask me when Travis and I are planning on having kids. Call me selfish, smart or stupid, but now is not the time, and I don't care about your opinion of when that time will be right. I don't want to hear you quoting prophets or citing scriptures to me. I, too, am well versed in my responsibilities as a married woman, and member of the church. Show me quotes or scriptures that says I am supposed to take into consideration my friend's or family member's opinions about when we should have kids. It is between Travis, me, and God. I'll leave it at that.

Running on this treadmill is getting old and tiresome. I do not shy away from responsibilities and I am very eager and motivated to obtain my degrees. But I want to track my progress. I want success in words and accomplishments, not numbers. I want to pass each landmark, take a breath, and keep running. I want to get somewhere. Not just anywhere, I have a destination.

I know, I know, "It's joy in the journey, not in the destination." If you were just thinking that, you get negative 17 points. I COULD enjoy the journey if I knew I was going somewhere, and not just running in place or running in circles.