i've got troubles

Today at work I was interpreting in a setting I hadn't been before, and in that setting I noticed one of my friends that I hadn't seen in several years.

We did the usual chatter: how are you... how's marriage... how's school... how's the family... etc. I mentioned to him that my mom had cancer and that's why I shaved my head. I told him that I was glad my hair was finally growing back, even if at a snail's pace.

Then he said, "Yeah I kinda figured that, but the guys behind me had some choice things to say about you and your hair."

I asked him to elaborate. BAD IDEA.

He said, "Well the guys sitting behind me thought you were a lesbian and you know... that's like every guy's fantasy..."

At this point I started to turn red. I said, "Did they not notice my ring??"

He said, "Oh yeah, they totally noticed it, but they thought you might have had some kind of ceremony with your girlfriend. They kept discussing where they thought you were from and so on."

He alluded to the fact that the boys had mentioned that I must be the butch one of the relationship.

I kinda got after him for not sticking up for me and not saying something. After all... he was supposed to be my friend, right?

I tried to play it off cool, but afterward I went into the bathroom and cried for like 10 minutes in the stall.

For some reason, this hurt me to my core. I want to clarify that I am NOT saying anything about the LGBT community or how I feel about that. All I'm saying is that something was assumed about me and these guys completely judged me based on my looks. I'm not sure why my friend felt the need to tell me all about it, especially since he didn't stick up for me.

Since my hair has been growing out... it has become an awkward stage where it's not long enough to do anything with it, but not short enough to look shaved. I REALLY DO look like a boy. Thank heavens for my chest, otherwise with my recent weight-gain my entire body would look boyish.

I wish I could say, "Forget them, they're nothing, they don't know me" and get on with life. However today of all days this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Let me tell you why.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty excited that it was the weekend and jeans day. (Every Friday at work is jeans day). I tried on 4 pairs of my favorite jeans. NONE of which I could pull above my butt. Some I couldn't even get past my thighs. That was depressing enough... until I BROKE A ZIPPER. I'm no seamstress but I'm pretty sure that once you completely rip out a zipper, it's kinda hard to replace, especially since the material was ripped, too. No matter about the zipper though, obviously they don't fit so it'd be useless to try and fix them anyway.

I know that weight fluctuation will be a part of my life for basically ever since I'll be having kids someday. But right now, I have no reason or excuse for this change in my body. If I was pregnant, I probably wouldn't complain because I would have purpose in gaining (a healthy amount) weight to sustain a fetus. Since I'm 99.9% sure there ISN'T a baby inside me, I'm feeling pretty bad. I know I know, there are always people worse off than me... and I shouldn't feel bad for myself. Yet I still do.

I've had a rough week to say the least. GLAD it's the weekend.