so that I may grow

This past weekend, the church I belong to had it's worldwide General Conference where we had the opportunity to listen to our modern day Prophet and Apostles speak.

Several of the talks stood out to me and I felt directly pertained to me, but one of them in particular left a strong impression on me.

The apostle speaking was D. Todd Christofferson, and his talk was about correction. Mostly it was about accepting correction from God.

I won't discuss the whole talk, but the part that stood out to me the most was,

"Thank you God for loving me enough to cut me down so that I may grow"

Before each winter, I have to cut back my rose bushes A TON so they can grow properly and bloom in the spring/summer. Even though it seems like I am cutting too much and they look so bare and fragile, they DO sprout back up again and are beautiful when the time comes.

Similarly, God is the Gardener of my life. He knows what He wants me to become, and He has to cut me back so that I may grow and see His work come to fruition. This cutting back happens seemingly at the worst of times, right before the awful storms of life. But God knows that there are better times ahead, and He just wants me to reach my full potential.

Throughout this experience of having horrible morning sickness and a bad sinus infection on top of that.... :( ...I have been in complete denial of this trial. I have refused to accept the fact that I am SO sick. I just wanted a drama free, super awesome pregnancy. Instead, I get vomiting all day, cutting back my hours at work, canceling classes I teach, and upsetting and disappointing everyone around me.

I felt like I deserved so much better. I was doing the best I can, given my circumstances, and not getting what I felt like I was due.

That's not how God works!! If I have learned anything it's that I am not in control of my life. No matter how hard I may fight against God's will for me, He always has the upper hand, and I just have to trust that His plan is better than mine.

This General Conference I learned many things about myself. A common theme in the conference was that we should leave people better than we have found them. After hearing countless talks of that nature, I felt like I had been hit in the stomach. I knew that message was for me (all of us, really).

I can't tell you how many friendships I have ruined or bridges I have burned because I was being self-righteous. Once I meet people, I tend to leave them worse than I found them - due to my excessive need for gossip and drama. (Because my own life wasn't good enough for me).

I was so eager to point out the faults of others when I had numerous and worse faults of my own to work on. This has caused me years of remorse, regret and pain. I can tell you right now, I have gotten what I deserved in hurting people. You know how you feel when you have been wronged? How badly you just want to see vengeance and justice? I hope that those I've wronged can look at me now and feel justice. I could say I have changed, but what good is it if you can't see it in my actions? This, I feel, is the reason for this whole experience. I am trying to be better.

I feel like God can only reach me if I am physically impaled. That's when I'm ready to listen.

I truly am getting what I deserve. I deserve to be cut down so that I may grow. Hopefully I sprout blossoms and not thistles. :)

(I know this is extremely personal. I apologize if it makes you feel uncomfortable. But this is my blog, my life.)