I guess I'm not the exception

For as long as I can remember I've always been satisfied with how I looked. (Well there was the few months in college when I had such bad acne it was tough to even look in the mirror). Ok fine maybe I should rephrase what I said: for as long as I can remember I've been mostly satisfied with how I looked. (better?)

I would pity the girls who had a tough time with their self image and I would just be secretly grateful that I was content with how I looked and I even considered myself to be pretty. Not gorgeous, but good-looking.

I had a hard time understanding why girls would loathe themselves when looking in the mirror or trying on clothes or comparing themselves to others.

Recently my perspective has completely changed. I have recently gained 20 lbs. Yes, 20. I know that may not seem like much, but for a person of my frame and height, I feel huge. My skin has stretch marks all over. (Nope... sorry people, I'm not pregnant.)

I have no idea what the reason is for the sudden increase in weight, but I can tell you this: I have never been more self conscious in my life. My clothes don't fit. I have some major pudge in my midsection, causing people to ask me if I am pregnant - (yep, 3 times now... by 3 different people. Boy were they embarrassed when I said "no way.") - and when I wear jeans, I have a serious muffin top.

My weight has fluctuated my entire life +/- 5lbs, depending on my menstrual cycle, but this is beyond just my normal fluctuation. I've started to view my body so differently, and looking at pictures of my "skinnier" days wishing I looked like that again.

Not only that, but not having hair is really starting to get to me. Ok ok it was fun at first and all the compliments I received seemed to make up for the fact that I feel hideous and I think I look like a boy. One time I went to the grocery store and they had cameras at the entrance that captured how you looked from behind, and a television screen mounted on the ceiling so you could see yourself. When I walked in, I looked to my left and right, searching for the boy that was wearing the same outfit of me. Then I realized.... it WAS me.

When I complain to others about how I look (yes, I have stooped that low) they almost always retort, "Oh my heavens well I would have never noticed." Or, "well you don't LOOK 20 lbs heavier..." etc. I appreciate the comments but they're just trying to make me feel better similar to all the comments I said to my friends when they were complaining about their weight.

Yeah, I've got some issues, right? I always thought I was "above" all the girls who complained about their looks. Now I've realized that I'm no better, the guilt is overwhelming. The guilt of how I've judged all those girls over the years and how I put myself above them. I could not have been more wrong, and I guess this is what I deserve for being such a snot. I am not a nice person.

I am really struggling with how I look and I hate this feeling. I miss the security of loving how I looked in my own skin and not caring about my body. Of course I wouldn't care about my body being a size zero, I had no reason to hate my looks. I'm not saying I have reason now to really HATE how I look, but I definitely don't like it.

The feelings of disdain I am experiencing about my body have really damaged my self esteem. I find myself thinking that I am the worst interpreter in the world, and that my house is hideous, that I am a horrible wife, and envying everything that everyone ELSE has. I think to myself that I'm not special, nor am I unique and that I'm good for nothing. I find myself crying at night wishing I was different, and wishing that my current circumstances in life would change. Who knew that a mere 20 lbs could bring on such horrible feelings?

I'm not implying that I know what it's like to really struggle with self esteem issues because some girls have struggled their entire lives and I've only struggled for 2 months. All I'm saying is that I hate these feelings of disdain and guilt. I'm not sure what to do.