a nakey baby

Dark circles under my eyes, pale skin and desperately in need of a haircut...
yet I am still so happy and in love with this little guy.

Everyone loves a nakey baby, right? I know I do, and Phineas is so darling! I love his long, skinny little body. We are just obsessed with him! We can't get enough. The title and these pictures was just to get your attention. I really just wanted to update ya'll and share some thoughts.

Phineas is a little over one month and doing great. He is gaining weight and so strong! He almost has full control of his head and can roll over on occasion. (Definitely never leaving him on the changing table alone!)

I have learned so much in the short month of Phineas' life so far. He has colic (frown) and I have had quite the hard time learning how to deal with it. I've read lots of books and some books say it's all the mom's fault (insecurities, inconsistencies, diet, nervousness, etc) and other books say it is a total fluke. Some say it's due to tummy troubles or allergies, but who really knows? All I know is that my baby cries and as much as I try to console him, it just won't work.

Most people say that it's just a waiting game, and that babies usually grow out of it around 3 months. We've got one down and two to go!

I've learned that as much as I try, I'm just not going to have control. It's a great lesson for me to learn that my son is going to do things and make choices in this life that have nothing to do with me. Granted, I am responsible for teaching him good principles and qualities that will sustain him throughout his life, but there are going to be times when I will just have to throw my hands in the air and let him go. He is his own person and has been from the moment he was born. I'm not gonna lie, it's been tough to accept that fact. I enjoyed being pregnant and being "one" with him. But there will be times when he pushes me away and wants to have nothing to do with me!

So, because everyone is telling me that this goes by so fast, I've decided to enjoy it. All of it... Including his cries for help and those times when he seems to be in pain. I've learned to mimic his life in the womb and that seems to be helping. I love when he follows my movements around the room with his gaze, and watching how fast he is developing. He is learning to smile when he is awake but mostly he smiles when he is asleep, and I've even caught him giggling!

I am enjoying breastfeeding and I see the benefits for myself and mostly for Phin. He gets so much comfort and warmth from it and those moments when I get him all to myself are so special. My mom calls it the "magic time" and I am beginning to understand just how truly special it is. It's my time when I can reflect and ponder my life. I try to not read or play on my phone or look at blogs/facebook/online shopping...etc when I am nursing, but instead I study every inch of Phineas' face and little body. I have so much love for him and I would do anything for him! I would be crushed if anything bad ever happened to him.

Truth be told, motherhood is SO hard. I kinda assumed that because I did HypnoBirthing and everything went so smoothly during birth, that motherhood would come as naturally to me as birthing. (Travis says I should come up with a curriculum and affirmations for HypnoMothering to help new moms get through the first few months. It sure would help me out!) I also felt that I should have a perfect little newborn because I did everything "right" and I deserved it. I could not have been more wrong! Sometimes things just happen and it's not our fault or due to choices we made previously, and we sure as heck aren't being punished.

Phineas is our guinea pig for sure, poor guy! He has peed and pooped through more diapers and outfits than I can count, due to my lousy diapering skills. I've made more mistakes than successes, but we are making progress. I can change a diaper in my sleep now and not make a mess. I am learning how to comfort Phin, and learning to decipher what he needs and when. We are also seeing patterns in his sleeping/feeding and he's starting to become a little more predictable.

All of that being said, I'm realizing that motherhood is supposed to be hard. We have heard over and over that motherhood is a partnership with God and that it is the most divine calling a woman can have. I've concluded that if motherhood was easy, it wouldn't be divine. It HAS to be hard for us to earn the title of divinity. During this holiday season I have thought so much about what Jesus Christ has done for us. He is a Divine Being and even though He was divine from the very beginning, he lived up to the title by His entire life and ultimately atoning for our sins. I am not saying that what I am doing is even at ALL of the same magnitude of what Christ did for us, but simply comparing the title of divinity. (Is that wrong to do? I hope I'm not downplaying His life...) Therefore, I need to live up to the title of divinity by doing the hard things, and enduring it well. It's not enough for me to go through the motions without being happy about it, right?!

I am thankful that this is difficult for me. I am learning so much. I honestly feel like I'm back in school! I research like crazy. I read books about breastfeeding, sleeping and child-rearing. But the difference between college and this, is that everything I am learning can be applied instantly. So I tell people I am eternally enrolled in a new school; the university of motherhood. Just like college, there will be crunch times, loosing sleep, forgetting to eat, times for research, and "progress reports". There will also be times of joy as I make new friends, expand my knowledge, and learn to cherish the little things that make me happy, like when Phineas smiles with his tongue sticking out. (CUTEST thing in the world!!) Phineas is my new teacher and he's the best one out there!

As my precious baby lays here next to me softly snoring and sleeping away, I cannot express enough how grateful I am that he is here, that he is healthy, and that he is ours. I love him more than anything in the world and I am so excited to be a mom. Even though it doesn't come as naturally to me as I thought it would, I am still enjoying it. As they sing in Tangled, "Mother knows best," right?? :)

And just so you can see what I mean, here is the tail end of one of those precious smiles he produces while sleeping. I tried to get the full smile but my camera was too slow! He's still so darling though, I could just gobble him up!!