mediocrity

repeat 3 times: I am okay being mediocre.

" " :Someone is always better than me.

" " : I don't need to be "the best" to feel successful.


These are sayings that my therapist has taught me to keep in mind, or literally say out loud at least once a day.

(**yes, I am seeing a therapist. You can think whatever you want, but therapy is amazing, and it is really helping.**)

You see, I have this problem. I want to be the best at everything. I want to be the most crafty, the top of my class, the best dressed, the best looking, the best interpreter, the best teacher, the best sibling, the best wife, the best EVERYTHING.

My entire life I've been a big shot. I was the lead in several musicals, I was an interpreter for classic rock concerts in front of thousands of people, I was in the newspaper more than I could count. As a child, my sister and I were models for a very expensive children's clothing store. I ran track in junior high, and I was FAST. I got first place several times.

Then I moved to Utah. Everyone comes out of the womb with jazz hands and tap shoes on, and everyone is amazing, at EVERYTHING. I went from a big fish in a little pond, to a medium sized fish in a medium size pond. If you wanna be a big fish out here, it's all about who you know, not talent or skill.

So naturally, I fell apart. I went from being the star to being the starDUST.

I have always prided myself on the fact that I give 150% at everything I do. Some people call me intense, I call myself passionate. I care about everything I do, and I always give 150%. These are unrealistic expectations. Even when I can't give 150, I still give 100. The problem with this, is all I can focus on is the -50%. I see that I'm falling short, and I beat myself up for it. Since I'm a very competetive person, this has lead to my downfall.

Hence, the reason for the assignment from my therapist. He told me that I needed to be satisfied with mediocrity. At first I was angry. I fought and fought him on that. After a long time I finally gave in and decided to give my new "homework" a try.

The first week was hell. I knew I was really being put to the test.

That was 5 weeks ago.

It's still really hard, but I'm beginning to understand my assignment, and it's purpose.

You know that saying from Nelson Mandela, "Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you..."

I used to hold that entire quote sacred. I used that as an excuse for my strive to being "the best" and greatest. When people told me I tried too hard, I would gladly spit out that quote to them, and tell them I was right in my doings.

I've learned now that being mediocre isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm just a normal girl in the world. I always thought that being mediocre was for people who couldn't succeed, or who had no talents, so they were stuck in the mediocre group, while they looked up to those of us who were great, and the best at what we did.

I learned a very important lesson the other day. Not all people in this group (mediocre) are there by force! Some people actually want to be there!! In that group, there is no pressure to be the best, so there is no stress when expectations aren't met. Everyone is so accepting of other people. When someone does something even remotely grand, everyone rejoices, and people are genuinely happy for each other! There's no competition! It's amazing.

We Americans are obsessed with success, and we will work ourselves to death in order to have it. We are competetive, cut throat, and two faced. If anyone is better or has something better than us, it's not enough to have the same things and the same success, we have to be better and do better, even at other people's detriment. We really do bring others down to make ourselves feel better. We can't be happy for other people unless we "one-up" them.

I am proud to admit that I want to be mediocre. If I don't succeed in life beyond what I have already completed, I will die a happy girl.

I have lived life SO fully up to now. I give everything my all. I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's anyone's for the taking. I am Nationally Advanced Certified in my profession. In the state I am the "professional" level. I graduated with a BA degree in April. I have traveled (even if it was only to a few countries). I make a ton of money. I have everything I could ever want. I bought a house, I got married, and someday I'll have children.

When I die, what's most important? Does it really matter that I graduated with honors, and that I was the first of all my cousins to graduate? No. It's only important that I gained an education. Is it important that I'm NIC master level in interpreting? No, it just matters that I tried my hardest and I am ethical and professional in my work. Does it matter that I am "the best" in everything I do? No.

So I accept mediocrity. Now that I get it, I really love it. I don't beat myself up anymore when I realize I'm not perfect. My stress levels have lessened significantly, and overall, I am much more happy with life. I don't have any expectations of the future, and for now, I've decided to just BE.

I'm not sure exactly what that entails, but I'm loving it. I've given up on being the best. The first step? Not going to grad school. :)

I haven't given up on life, I've just given up on trying to be the best, and it feels really good.