trial no. 2

As you all know (and are probably sick and tired of my complaining), my baby has colic.

Colic is a completely misunderstood diagnosis but basically it all comes down to the fact that "colicky" babies have a hard time adjusting to life outside the womb. They just want to be put back where they were warm and cozy! And even considering that the last few weeks of pregnancy are uncomfortable, I wouldn't mind putting him back in there... especially when I need to get things done around the house or go to the grocery store!

Phineas will scream for no reason and completely out of the blue. He will be laying on a blanket having happy awake time and then start screaming. He goes from zero to sixty in a matter of milliseconds and there's little I can do to actually calm him down. Nursing sometimes helps, but even then he will fuss at my breast and refuse it.

I try to be as calm and collected as possible, so as to not affect his temperament even more. Someone said to me, "Of course you're baby has colic. You are so high-strung!"

Wow, was that a wake up call or what?! I was so calm throughout my pregnancy, avoiding arguments or confrontations wherever I could. I kept my emotions even and happy. I keep blaming myself and thinking that this was not supposed to happen. But it did.

And yes, I am grateful for this trial. Here's the things I have learned so far:

-There are things that are beyond my control, so I have to let it go. This has been very difficult for me because I'm a major control freak.
-All I have to do is the best I can, and to actually TRY MY BEST. So even when I don't feel like rocking, swaying, shushing, I do it anyway. Even when my arms, neck and back are killing me. And even when I know he's just going to wake up in 15 minutes screaming.
-Naps are precious!! I don't get many naps because my baby refuses to sleep longer than 20 mins, but those 20 mins to myself are so wonderful. I get about two a day = 40 mins.
-Baby swings are great... as long as baby is happy.
-Noise machines are gifts from heaven!!
-Enjoy the happy moments, few and far between as they come. When Phineas is happy and smiling, it makes all the difference. I love to cuddle and play with him, even if it's short-lived. He is my little buddy and I'll love him no matter what.
-Live in the moment. So many times I just think to myself: "Just survive the hour." If I do nothing else, I just take each hour as it comes.
-"I'm so glad when daddy comes home, glad as I can be!!!" Seriously though. Before I got pregnant, Travis' arrival home was kind of like a shrug of the shoulders. I loved seeing him, but we spent so much time together and communicated all day on the phone or text so it wasn't like we had much catching up to do. Now I will be lucky if I can send one or two texts throughout the day and when he comes home I am soooo happy to see him!
-When I was pregnant I thought that my baby would love to hear the sound of my voice and be comforted by it, or be soothed by my touch. Apparently I was wrong! He isn't soothed by my voice, touch or never-ending efforts. This has probably been the hardest thing to accept. I feel rejected on a daily basis and it really hurts sometimes. I don't believe that he truly wants to cry, but he does have his long lasting bouts of screaming. And I'm not a bad mother if I have to set him down and walk away for a minute or two.

I've learned so much more but those things will have to wait for the "12 lessons I've learned about motherhood" month.

My mother-in-law said, "This will give you empathy" and boy, it sure has! I used to be so judgmental of mothers with screaming babies, thinking that they should be able to soothe and calm their children. I could not have been more naive. Now I completely understand and empathize with them! I really am grateful for this experience, even though it is so rough right now!

I know many people say, "Don't wish this away, you'll regret it if you do." I understand the importance of being happy through trials but is that really do-able? I've found that the real happiness comes only after looking back on the trial. Nevertheless, I am trying to be happy during this one.