trial no. 3

This trial has been difficult for me to talk about in the past. But I have come to terms with it and can talk about it now without all the negative emotion it used to spring up in me.

Trial no. 3 in my life is when I had depression. It was supposed to be the most exciting time in my life. I had just graduated high school and I had finished my first semester of college up at Utah State. I had the best roommate and we had a ton of fun together. I'm not exactly sure how it all started. Poor grades, an emotionally abusive boyfriend, the fact that the sun didn't shine in winter, the freezing cold temperatures, or the fact that I was a little fish in a big pond... and I had come from being a big fish in a small pond. I felt like a nobody. I was really somethin where I came from. I was the star in my small town. I was the lead in musicals, I had talents to share... like playing the piano and singing. I loved being different; being special.

When I moved to Utah I realized that everyone took piano lessons and everyone could sing and they all were better than me at both. I swear these kids came out of the womb with jazz hands and tap shoes on. Not only that, they know how to sew, and dance and cook and yada yada yada. I was young and quite immature. (Wait. I still am!) I felt like I had nothing to offer the world. My big head was crushed that semester. I realized that I wasn't special or different or unique. I was just like everyone else. Instead of taking comfort in that, I found it hard to accept.

So, this realization and the other reasons stated above... threw me into a deep depression. My grades were worse. I failed classes for the first time in my life. I went to social events, trying to mask how badly I was hurting inside, but I built up a wall and didn't let anyone in. I thought that maybe it was college itself. Maybe I just wasn't meant for how hard it was and the pressures of everything. High school came really easily for me. I worked hard and got good grades, but college was another story! I found that I couldn't apply myself in any area of my life. I went to bed early and slept in late. Like really late. 2:30pm late.

After a horrible spring semester, I was forced to return home because I had spent all of the $17,000 dollars I had gotten in scholarship money. Granted, I used most of it for my out-of-state tuition, books, rent and food... but I did go on crazy spending sprees, encouraging my horrible obsession with "retail therapy" aka shopping.

I did go home. That summer was the worst of my life. I was in a bad bad relationship with a guy, long-distance and yet he still did damage from 2,000 miles away. I stayed in my room all day, mostly laying in bed. I would cry for hours on end, hating my life. I finally went to a doctor and was put on prozac (I wish I had known what I do now about herbs and how those are sooo much better for us and have just as great effects!). I went to group therapy (which sucked) and several one-on-one's with a therapist. That wasn't so bad, but mostly I was told to just "get over it" and that I was in the prime time of my life, that I shouldn't be sad.

The guilt was worst of all. I KNEW that I shouldn't feel the way I did, but I didn't know how to really change it. I knew that I should just "think happy thoughts," but I literally could not.

I was medicated for over a year and a half and finally decided to wean off the prozac. When I did, I found renewed hope and purpose in life.

I am so grateful for that trial. It was hard and tough. What I learned from it, I will never forget.

This story does have a happy ending though! One day when I was at home, my mom came barging into my room in the morning. (I wasn't used to getting up earlier than 11 or 12). She told me that we were going for a drive and I had better get dressed fast and get in the car. I did as I was told. I don't remember if she told me where we were going ahead of time, or if she just gave me directions and then told me afterwards. Basically we started driving north. We drove an hour and a half to Fremont. She told me of an interpreter preparation program up there at Ohlone College and she said I was going to the school to see if I could apply.

I went to the office and believe it or not, that day (Friday) was the deadline for applications. The lady seemed to take pity on me for whatever reason and said that she would make an exception for me but that I'd better get the requirements together and turn it in on Monday. We scrambled to make an introductory video of me signing, 3 letters of recommendation and an essay. There were over 65 applicants. They only accept 10 every year. I was hopeful but I doubted myself and my skills. Later I was interviewed and accepted. I was so shocked!

This program made me the interpreter I am today! I'm so grateful to my mom for encouraging me to apply, even though I thought I wasn't good enough to get in.

If I hadn't had depression, I wouldn't have gone home and I would have returned back to USU. I wouldn't have gone to Ohlone. I wouldn't be a good interpreter. I wouldn't have met Travis and Phineas wouldn't have been born (sad!!). So... as hard as it was, it greatly shaped who I am and especially my ability to relate to others. Relationships are very important to me and I love being able to sympathize and empathize with people. When I say that I understand, I really mean it. I don't say I understand if I have no idea what someone is going through.

I truly understand depression. I know what it's like and it is real. My doctor once said, "Your brain is an organ too, just like your heart. If I told you that you had heart problems and prescribed medication, you wouldn't even bat an eyelash before taking it, right? Well your brain is having some issues. It's probably temporary or seasonal due to the events in your life right now. But it's still having trouble. So why do people think medication for depression is so bad?"

I see his point, but I also see why it is so controversial. It is a misunderstood illness. People who have it really do want to be happy and if they could just think happy thoughts and will it away, don't you think they would?? Believe me, I tried. I saw a billboard that said, "You wouldn't say, 'It's just cancer, get over it.' Depression is real."

Anyway I'm just glad it's over but I am still grateful it happened. It brought me to where I am today and I don't have any regrets about that! It taught me a great lesson in not judging others because we never know what they are dealing with behind closed doors. Depression happened. I always clarify; I went through depression. I am not a depressed person. It doesn't define me.

I am so grateful to my family and friends who stood by me through this, especially my sister. I can't count the number of times that she carried me through this, and sometimes literally! Once she practically dragged me out of bed and threw me in the car and we went to the beach. We were the only ones there and we decided to take pictures. We shared a special bond that day, one that I will always remember and keep close to my heart.





I am grateful to have overcome it, even though so many people never do. Now that I have a propensity for depression, I have to be careful to make sure I don't go down that road again. When I feel myself slip, I flood my thoughts of all the blessings I have and the things I am grateful for and I tell myself that there's no reason to be sad. Life is good.