trial no. 5

finances.

It's one of the major causes of divorce, marital strife, and a lot of stress. The past two years has been very difficult financially for Travis and me. This economy is so hard on everyone and I only know a handful of people who haven't been affected by the economy. It's been tough!

Money causes me stress. I freak out about bills and stupid taxes and other expenses all the time. Travis works harder than anyone I know. He has been in a contract position for over a year and a half, without any indication of converting to full-time with benefits. There have been spoken promises but no follow through. Don't get me wrong, we have been truly blessed that he has a job and has been able to continue working, but because he is a contractor they could basically terminate the contract at any time and practically without any notice. It's kept us on our toes, for sure. We haven't had insurance for about 2 years (although my parents were able to get me on their insurance for about 3 months). Having a baby without insurance is scary. Even though I did all natural/homebirth, it's still scary to think that if anything went wrong, we would be paying out of pocket for emergency room hospital bills.

It all started back in June 2010 with Trav's job. That summer he took an insurance sales job and it didn't work out. They had a whole bunch of required out of state sales trips that were not mentioned when he was hired. He was jobless for a few months and then got the contractor job he is at right now. During that time, I worked extra hours when I could get them to make up for the difference. Most people would tell us that we were crazy to get pregnant during this time. But when the Lord tells you to do something, you don't ask... you just do it, right?!

We were very scared and hesitant, but we decided to move forward with faith. We knew that the Lord would bless us for following his promptings. Well, after 7 months, I got pregnant. Then I got really sick. Then better, then had the baby. We thought for sure something would happen with Trav's work situation within the 9 months I was pregnant. That's a long time right? Something was bound to work out. Well, it didn't. I had the baby, and thought again... something HAD to happen now, the baby was here! Months have gone by. We have struggled for a looooooooong time. We have spent countless hours in prayer, pleading with our Heavenly Father to please let up, and bless us. We weren't even asking to have great things happen to us, we just wanted all the bad stuff to stop happening! We were going downhill and it was hard to see the light. We would even settle for 'surviving' for a while.

I've learned a lot from having little to no money. Even though we didn't see immediate blessings from paying tithing, we have somehow managed to scrape by, and that really is a blessing. We've tried to be as obedient as possible, doing what we can. It has been very hard, but I've learned to trust the Lord. Many people told me that the Lord must really love us to test us so much. I've never understood that. Does it mean the Lord doesn't love those whom he blesses? I don't think so. I believe that some things happen for a reason and is a part of the Lord's plan. I believe that there are other things that just happen because of agency.

I've also learned that I am not entitled to anything. Just because I go through an awful trial doesn't mean I deserve being blessed immensely afterward. I don't deserve to have blessings just because I am obedient, although often we are blessed. We are required to go through these things for experience, and for our benefit and learning.

So that's what I take from all this. I've learned to stretch our money as best as I can, and get by with so much less than I used to. I thought I was frugal before, but I've realized that many things are so unnecessary.

I'm grateful we have struggled with finances. I hope I don't have to struggle my whole life, but if I do, I know how to manage.